Where did She go?  Where did that determined, driven, goal oriented person go?  I really wish I knew because about now I crave her and I’m tired searching the end of the earth for where she could be hiding.  I don’t blame her though, despite the cover, the pages of this book has some harsh chapters and tragic losses.  However,  I hope She is doing all those amazing things we used to dream about.  Like finding sustainable health care in impoverished countries.  How about hitting another summit, why stop at just 2?  Maybe, just maybe She’s not responding as She is focusing on that IronGal training.  Although we never conquered that fear of drowning.  I hope She comes knocking on my door soon.  Wait, no, this place is a disaster and I wouldn’t want her to see the real me.

Today I contemplate, what makes someone so accomplished disappear?  What turns the go-getter into the just “come get me if you want me”?   How can the real me sit here in this dilapidated room with no motivation, a broken heart and a fractured soul.

Somewhere along the line, her self esteem and self worth plummeted.   Slowly over the years, with some significant loss and heartbreak, mountainous levels of destructive thoughts ran thru her mind.  She started to feel that unless she lived up to everyone’s expectations, she was worthless.  Reality struck and scared She as she was  never  going to be able to buy her dad that boat she promised, and eek, “you didn’t give us grandchildren”.   All those friends with six bedroom homes and already jockeying for those coveted alumni admissions spots.    She was supposed to be the successful one, more diplomas and tassels than all other family members combined, but now just gets by paycheck to paycheck.  Why couldn’t she just have stuck with computers!  As the job and relationship failures continue, the self devaluing cycle continues to spiral downward.  And in time, the last remaining cheerleaders are gone.  There She was alone, with nothing left to do but hide.

It is in that darkest and lonely day where she tries to confront the barriers preventing “She” from returning.  Was it unrealistic goal setting, previous bad choices, uninvolved parent coupled with the loss of another?  I could debate whats to blame but that doesn’t change the the future.  The future only changes when we can rekindle the fire, the deep burn to change and the guts to push thru to become that young vibrant She again.