All I ever asked for was a cake.  It could have been store purchased, vanilla frosting.  I don’t even eat the inside.  No decorations, just frosting.  Well maybe balloons (more frosting).

All I ever wanted was a final Smile.  That same gleaming smile that I saw 6 years ago. Accompanied by the sparkle in your eyes as you looked directly into mine.  The smile that said “I’m into you”.

All I ever wanted was to grow old with you.  To share adventures, to ski in our beloved PC and to create sustainable communities with an abundance of  love and laughter in impoverished communities.

But what I’ve learned is you don’t always get what you want.   No matter how hard you work, no matter the dedication to the relationship and no matter the price you pay,   there will come that day when you realize you can’t alway get what you want.   That day will change you.

I could list the three thousand ways you have tried to tell me “I’m just not into you” . Not in words, but in actions (or should I say lack of actions) but this would not change anything.    A simple smile, a single flower plucked from the garden, a simple touch.  Cost nothing, effort little.  You said you were “going thru the motions”.   I found myself tiptoeing on eggshells, trying not to create waves.  You uttered “I love you”  behind a forced smile and not the one I fell in love with.   I’ve given you all that I can and regardless how perfect my love was, it is not what you want.

Unfortunately,  I can’t tell you how to love.  That is an emotion that comes from within your own heart and soul.  Some of us are born lovers,  some of us long to love, and  some of us just simply can’t allow themselves to love fully.  What I do know for certain is that I was born a true lover.  I cherish friendships and I ache when they end.  I crave deep intellectual and spiritual relationships and I cherish every little “I Love You” text which comes my way.

But what I did gain from this loss was a deeper understanding of who I am.  I’ve learned that I am incredibly profound at caring for others.  I’ve learned that I have traits of an Empath and that I am willing to dole out  more love that I take.   I’ve also learned that ten years from now, you still won’t love me as much as I’ve loved you.   I want to say you deserve the best but I won’t because you had the best and you took advantage of it.

Just know, I will miss you more than any words can explain.  That I’ve cried enough in the last month to resolve any worries about a drought.   I will miss that smile and I will long for one more glimpse of that happy guy I used to know.    But what I won’t miss, is not getting what I want, even if it came for free.